shallow thoughts of the diva



The 7 deadliest sins being married to Scott

In 29 days our moving from 7th to 8th year of being married. So, from the bottom of my big twins, I dedicate this page to the most awesome and annoying master (?) of the house, I ever had. As if I have a options. I signed a no return or exchange policy. Hehehe! Ok, enough of being such a fake/ dakilang plastic. We are not a Hollywood celebrity to project such a perfect life. Adik ka teh?  Seriously, who does think their husband is so perfect after 7 years of togetherness, eat tayo forever? Unless, your the goddess of the great pretenders I can accept that. Umayos ka nga vakla! In our darkest, deepest part of our mammary gland/puso ng saging and fore brain, we have thought a trillions times to return our beloved husband to their parents or vaporize them in this mother earth. It’s ok, lahat naman tayo my darkest desire…huwag umarte. Rather than ending up with wrinkles, sagging face and flesh. Having a husband is like raising a baby for the rest of your life. Agree mga mrs?

My husband is not a saint and I don’t plan to make him one. My gosh! Then we can’t have sex anymore and can no longer rape him…hehehe! He is not the perfect man I had on mind please….errr, with all the farting, burping and snoring in bed….Please lang kuya! Hahaha! Opps…I hope he will find mercy of my sho-ez and bagz. I’m sure after reading this, he will definitely retaliate. Taray, ang lalim na words na yan…define mo nga teh.

Being married to Scotty, has its own disavantage too. Feeling nyo naman, I am always lucky 7. For one, it’s really tiring and fagoda to the brains the moment you wake up and I haven’t put my make-up, it’s good morning English na. Worst is when we are having an argument, nosebleed with matching crooked (bumabaluktot) tongue na my aura. He is not only Americano but he also drinks milk everyday so he is smart boy. Itsurang nana talaga ang drama ko pag wiz baon ng English dictionary. Good thing, they created the phrase, talk to the hand. It’s the most useful and valuable sentence to apply when you’re in the midst of losing the battle.

Since it’s this year we ending our 7th year of prison, este, anniversary…moving to 8th year. I wanna share this special character of men that I hope women who are married can fairly relate to this…mapa gurl, bhoy, vaklush or tiborsya or two of the above.

The Poot (Wrath) which means sobrang-sobrang galit or over angry management level equals angst-ness. I must say, Scott have mastered this easily after we got married. I remember how he was so horrified when saw me cooking bistek (Filipino beef steak recipe), happily boiling the meat. He taught I meant American beef steak with rare, medium or well done option. Haler! Bistek nga di ba? Akala mo naman, pinatay ko yong cow. OA sa reaction. And of course, the bionic man he becomes when he sees the food are not covered, sealed or been in the fridge for so long. Contamination and bacteria are his greatest fear. Feeling ko may mysophobia (fear of contamination or dirt) siya. Hahaha! I mean, we Pinoys, eat pig’s blood, liver, kidney and even chicken feet, and still live happily ever after.

The Katamaran (Sloth) not slut….this is Scott special talent. Pwede siya maging president ditoh. Promise! Anything broken…toilet, lights, cable….Translation to…Sweetie, can you fix this or can ask Joy fix it. Or Goddammit, how come the floor is sticky and the cats litter are stinky? Or I can’t find them…why…why? But the highlight of all is when we move to a new house and he was so tired because after a week, he had to moved the plants in the pot to a different location. Na ngarag si fuke. 3 years after, 2 weeks after my operation we move to another house, he took a week off because he wants to be helpful (?). Guess what, he is the most relax person on earth. He even had a chance to read a book, had a nice breakfast at Starbucks for 7 days and sleep like a baby. That is what you call…a sarap mo patayin kuya. English: I wish, you have conscience brother. Hahaha!

The Kayabangan (Pride). Oh! Everyone seems to think he is super humble…Err…A normal conversation when sweetie (as me) decide to be a little frugal. Scott: Sweetie, why are buying cheap meat? You know how much I’m earning? Hahahaha! I so love this line because it always end with…Ria: Oh yeah! Then buy me a bigger diamonds. Boy! It works.Hehehehe!

The Katakawan (Gluttony). Well, kailangan ko bang spell pa yan? English: Do I need to join spelling contest? I know Scott loves to cook and bake. And food is our no. 1 priority. But I don’t understand why he has to bake all my favorites when my sugar is high and I can’t take any sweets. Another, classic example, when I had my H1N1 and I can’t even catch the glimpse of the life because I am either groggy and high from the meds. Guess, what he decided to bake…my forever favorite Pavlova, a meringue-based dessert. Now that he turns to some kind of Pescetarian/fishaterian (Ria’s world). Meaning, a diet includes fish but no meat. O di va, kahit diet nya so complicated. Parang status symbol lang namin. And to show how much I mean to him…he will gives me all the shrimp heads or fish skin…with a matching I love you sweetie. Kayo mo yan kavogue-gin? That’s true love….Isn’t? Eat tayo together talaga. Hahaha!

Inggit (Envy). Every person loves to feel greater than the rest and Scott is no exemption to this. You know how sometimes (?)…ok, often times, I exaggerate things just to be more dramatics. Well, he once caught me in a conversation and I magnified it….He can’t just let go. He went to check on line for facts. Gosh! It’s not might my fault if I love to talk in animation and multiplication. Ria: Sweetie, Louie Vuitton is having the greatest sale of the century and I must…must buy something. It’s 70% off. Scott: Sweetie, I just check online, LV, never had sale. Damn! It’s not my fault if men can’t carry a purse. I’m just a simple girl with so many needs. But his greatest talent is just as the moment I am doing something at home, like facebooking, blogging or ready my magazine, he will start talking and whining to me. And would call me to see, every time our cats change position as if they are not the doing the same

Kalibugan (Lust) is equals Scott. He is epitome of this word. Do I need to explain? Hahaha! I just have to watch myself every time I bend, change clothes, sleeping….anything that he get a chance even if I just collapse or had a major operation. Nothing can stop him. Hehehe!

Kasuwapangan/Kasakiman (Greed) is ME because of Scott. I used to be a simple girl, with a with a simple dream. When we first live together, I only dream of having a sofabed….few days after…I got it. And from that day one , I learned to  to master the art of dreaming and getting it….errr….even if often times, he will complained and whined about it….my favorite line will be…Honey! Can you just shut up…I know I am getting it anyway. So, don’t waste your energy. Hehehehe! With the sofabed, I move to different level, now my usual birthday or Christmas gift would be…Honey, you want chin, eyes or butt? Sweet right? He surely knows how to please his woman…hahahaha!

To my beloved husband and best friend, may we continue to piss each other and make life exciting and unpredictable on our coming 8th year. Hehehehe!

37 Things I Wish For My Birthday

  1. I wish its already May so that I can party with my high school friends and do this Baywatch theme dekada ’80. I can’t wait to see everyone in their bikinis and trunks. And we all have something to remember when we turn 40.
  2. I wish I live in Manila so that I can have botox every month. Dahil dream ko maging robot. Hahaha!
  3. I wish I can travel every month so that I won’t get bored. O sige, whisper with wings na lang, para lipad lang ng lipad.
  4. I wish I will be forever young so that I don’t have to suffer from may rayuma (arthritis) when I dance all night. Feeling sweet 16 kasi.
  5. I wish my friends wont get tired of taking care of me, especially when we are out drinking and partying, and suddenly gotta to go…kailangan bang ikabit ang toilet sa likod ko? Daiper ang tawag dun.
  6. I wish some people would stop judging me because I didn’t join American Idol ok. But if it means helping others to have a life….Go Ahead! I have so much to give naman e. Hahaha!
  7. I wish people stop whining how their life sucks. Life will never be beautiful, that is why they invented Botox.
  8. I wish Taco will often bathed himself often because he really stinks. Saan kaya siya nagmana?
  9. I wish nanny Joy will shave her hair on the legs kasi it’s so kadire. Hahaha!
  10. I wish Scott would agree that we sleep in different bedroom so that I can harass him every night.
  11. I wish I can really push myself this time to follow my dreams…to be a famous porn star…hahaha! Nope, of course, to be a interior decorator. Ende na lang puro someday. Nakakapagod na rin teh.
  12. I wish there is an outlet malls in Singapore, so that I would love to stay here forever.
  13. I wish I will get my 2 carats diamond ring soon. Kaya nga wish e. Huwag na magreklamo.
  14. I wish I can master the art of having a flawless make up and not looking like someone punch me after a night of drinking and partying. Ende na kakatuwa ang mukhang vampire.
  15. I wish I would stop smoking because I’m really beginning to hate the smell and the effect it does to my skin. Plastic!
  16. I wish I could enjoy wearing my 3 inches heels without having a crouching tiger toenails after.
  17. I wish I could turn back the time and be as healthy as before. But then again, thanks to my operation, without the gallbladder, I don’t have to worry ever about getting fat.
  18. I wish Scott would allow me to style him. Seriously, the 80’s jeans and plaids is so american farmer…hahahaha!
  19. I wish Tico hair will grow back again. I miss those days when she is perfectly beautiful. But then again, you can’t have everything.
  20. I wish people in general would learn to live life and just be happy. Bitterness is next to ugliness. Promise!
  21. I wish, I would have the strength and courage like my mother-in-law. In spite of what she is going through right now. Not once I heard her complain.
  22. I wish, I have Scott character who remains calm and sensible in spite of what mom is going through right now. If I was on his position, I probably become overly drama.
  23. I wish I will have a bigger butt…(Coming soon!!!)
  24. I wish there would be no more earthquake. Seriously, I’m freaking out. I hope this is not the end.
  25. I wish I could drink like crazy and never suffer from hang over. Err…maybe I should drink wisely.
  26. I wish all my friends and love ones their wish will come true.
  27. I wish my plants, especially my herbs won’t keep dying. I know, I need to spend more time with you but I also need to work so that I can afford to buy more of your sister and brothers.
  28. I wish my younger sisters won’t go through a lot of hardship to find their destiny.
  29. I wish my parents are less dramatic…but then again…life is boring without their dramas.
  30. I wish, I can travel soon to Cambodia. Really…really want!
  31. I wish there is an easy way to make money. Damn!  I am too old to be a prostitute or a porn star.
  32. I wish, we can travel to Europe soon.
  33. I wish, when there are days when the sky is gray and the plants are brown and I need a moment of silence, my sugar won’t go up. It’s not fun when I can’t even eat my comfort food and I am feeling blue. Teh, paminsan minsan nalulungkot rin ako. Ende ako parati nakavalium.
  34. I wish more opportunities to make money so I can support my cats lifestyle. Sisihin ba ang pusa?
  35. I wish I will never lost my humor in every tragedy and challenge that comes through my way.
  36. I wish my once a year big event…wont just happen once a year. Hmnnn…ok, maybe too much wishing already. Alam nyo yan mga vaklush ang malaking show ko. Hehehehe!
  37. I wish on my 37th birthday, I will have a lot more of diamonds, fabulous body, shoes, bags and be more healthy so that I can enjoy all these. Sorry, I won’t ask for world peace, since I am not running for Miss Universe or wish for everyone’s happiness. Haler, it’s my own birthday wish. Kanyang-kanya wish lang yan. Wala naman sinabi ang taas na bawal ang maraming wish. Kaya, I am allowed to have a selfish wish…hehehehe!

Honestly, I have so much to be thankful. I am turning 37 soon and having this, so called remarkable life. Not because it’s perfect. Hello! Anu ka, adik? Simply, because I stop worrying, and trying to be someone I am not. Mahirap maging wonder woman neng. Although, there are certain things I wished I have known when I was younger but haler, mageksena regrets ba itoh? Feeling kasali sa telenovela…Honestly, I had those moments too. That I wished I had done things differently. However, I realize (paulit-ulit na lang itong emote) that I would have never be as happy and contented as I am right now kahit walang “full time career”. When you’re earning less, needs becomes lesser.  Ang plastic ko noh? Hahahaha! This year, I learned to appreciate simple (define simple?) things in life and certain matters are just the way the are. So, there is really no point of getting bothered that is not a matter of life and death. Yes, I still have problems, issues, failures and stress. Kung si Darna nga, nanga-ngarag ako pa kaya? Life is a matter of accepting what you have right now and embracing it. Bow!

A New Beginning…

One must start a new journey to begin a new chapter. It’s already March 2011, as usual it took me 100 decade again to update my blog. Life, wasn’t that easy last year. With so many health  issues, I thought, they needed me in heaven…or hell (?). Hehehehe! But since, masamang damu ang lola mo, marami pang goats and cows ang makikinabang sa akin. Sometimes, I wonder too where I get all my super power. Haler, ano akala mo sa akin si Jose Rizal Statue sa Luneta….cemento? Of course, I had a lot moments….duh?

It was August of last year, I decided to take control of my life. It wasn’t an easy option. Kahit magpabotox pa ako araw-araw, ende na gaganda ang pakikiramdam ko. Feeling ko araw-araw ako si Linda Blair..nasasaniban na kung anu-ano. I swear, the pain was so excruciating that I thought it won’t ever end. But I guess, God is watching me. I must have done something right in my life, that he sent me an angel.

Yes, I know. It’s also a big shock for me…like being confirmed I am no longer a lesbo but a bi….hahaha! Gosh! Welcome to my new life and I don’t know where I am heading…except of course a full time slave of my dickhead husband….hehehe! Well, since I was given no choice and even if I dance naked…I embrace life as it is now…..Fine, it’s not easy ok. Gosh! I work 7 days a week now.

They say change is the most difficult to face…because you have to let go of your fear. But we need challenge in our life so go lang. After I was diagnosed with gallstones in my gallbladder and had it removed, I never anticipated the changes it would bring into my life. Major…major siya teh! Para lang may nagpsabog ng top 1000 dirty secrets ko. Hehehe! I mean, it’s a not really life threatening. Since OA ako, kaya huwag na kayong mashockness.

Anyway, in the next 43 days or less, I will be celebrating my 37th birthday…so isang malaking kavogue-gan itoh. Plus, it’s gonna be our 7th year wedding anniversary. Kaloka teh, at buo-buo pa talaga mga katawan namin at ende pa kami nagpatayan to the greatest level floor. Ende naman kaya adik noh? Hahaha! I have to say, it’s one of my biggest accomplishment in life. Promise! So, I really have so many things to be thankful and happy. Bawal na talaga magreklamo kay God. And not only that, bumait na rin by 10% ang nasasaniban kong pusa na si Taco, isama na rin natin si yaya Joy. After my operation, I was able to celebrate life with my good friends and family in Singapore, Malaysia, Bali, Philippines and the US of A. In other words, jetsetter ako…taray ko noh? Ikaw na maging kamag-anak ni Rica. Pero ende kaya isang kaluluwa na lang ako??? Scary……naku, ende pa ako Lord ready dahil wala pa akong complete set ng birkin. Of course, some things will never change, makulit pa rin si Scott at pati sa facebookng wall ko, umeksena na rin siya, si Tico nauubos pa rin ang buhok nya sa pwet dahil sa asar kay Taco, si yaya Joy, makapal pa rin ang buhok sa legs, nanay ko dakilang drama queen pa rin sama ko na si popcy and I’m still selfish, greedy, vain and overly dramatics. But that’s me and my extraordinary life. Pak! Akala mo hollywood star lang na umaariba.

My New Best Friend

Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my new best friend…B like hello Botox. Yes, it’s true..I am now a confirmed robot gay. Kinareer ko talaga siya ng bongga-bongga. I’ve been wanting to do this for the longest time. Never really had a chance ’til a friend of mine recommended me to this wonderful doctor.  This time, it’s destiny. Parang lang pag-ibig teh..kailangan dumating ng kusa. Ende pwedeng isang tamlbing lang, getsing mo na agad.

By the way, oppsss…if you find this totally unacceptable…err…even offensive or outrageous…why I even have to discuss this in my blog and expose myself…what can  I do? This is MY BLOG. Remember, it’s all about ME…ME…ME. And plus, can afford na lola mo. So, don’t look at me with your judging eyes, at nakataas pa ang kilay as if I’m the biggest loser of Asia. I don’t have qualms of sharing my secret(?). Vaklush, I don’t need a double life. I am not a CIA or FBI. At wala rin akong balik maging Alias. Truelish lang ako sa isip, salita at gawa. I’m matured enough to handle my marriage, Botox pa kaya? Understand, we have different opinions and issue about this. But I am not seeking approval. Lets be honest friend..magkapi-kapihan muna tayo neng ha…ito ang mahiwaganng salamin ni Kuya Boy. Do you really like what you are seeing? Hmnnn…huwag kang umaarte Pinokyo dyan. Sasampalin ka ni Kapitan Kidlat. Well, if you disagree…I don’t care. Harharhar! As long as you are truly happy….with capital GO. Congrats neng. Ito ang award ni Ate V, ikaw na maging Reyna Elena. I am not a celebrity and I don’t have ambition to be one…haler! Just the same, I also love myself (so much) that even when I die, I want to be a fucking fabulous corpse. Gets?

People usually assume when you are vain (like me) and do this things against nature….are the lowest act of a human specie. So, feeling mo hayuf ako? Ganun? As if, I’m  pathetic, insecure and insane. Tell you dear, it’s not my nature to be remembered as fugly old lady with 160 pairs of shoes. I am not afraid of growing old and always been proud of my age. But if  there are things I can fix it now, why wait for the next 100 years? Yeses! My life is not perfect. I have insecurities…who doesn’t? However, it doesn’t make me a lesser person. I may be bored and sad once in awhile. Ano feeling mo nakavalium ako parati?  So far, I still find my life fulfilling. I am not insane (YET!) or plan to visit the asylum. My feet are still very much grounded even so I’m wearing a higher heels and better shoes. I am very much aware of reality. That is why I made this decisions.

It’s funny when people tells me how good I look  and they can’t believe I am 36. Of course, honesty is the best policy, I reveal my no.1 beauty tip. Then with this confusing look…ask me the big WHY? Haler, you just told me how I look young and fabulous then you ask me why? You think, I am a cartoon character that doesn’t get old? Or some would ask…Are you ok? Bakit mukha na ba ako lukring?

People usually assume when you do this, you feel nothing. They didn’t cut anything from my brains ok. Right now, am not yet a full bloom robot. Yes, I still feel emotion. May libog pa rin ate mo. Just the same, I have my glorious moment…hahahaha! It doesn’t change who and what I am. It’s just that, I feel so freaking fabulous! Kahit ende na ako maligo, freshness pa rin ang ate mo. Why should I wait ’til 40 when I can enjoy it now? Everyday, it still amaze me how it changes my new look. I feel so beautiful outside and inside. My gosh! I can really afford it…hahahaha! Actually, I saved a lot of money and time. Cost me fortune buying all these anti-aging cream that takes forever to take effects. Imagine the possibility of fixing it in just few minutes instead of 10 thousand years?

All right, it wasn’t easy at first. In fact, I was scared to death. You know, the what if thing? There’s no turning back once something goes wrong. Anything could possibly happen to my face. I was aware of the consequence. Kamusta naman teh, e marunong naman ako magbasa. But it’s now or never. It helps that I went to a reputable doctor which is very important. Take note of that friend!

Nevertheless, bear in mind that Botox is not a promise to your happiness and self-esteem. It just fixed unwanted lines for awhile. It doesn’t last forever or change who you are and what you feel inside. It  usually can last 4-5 months, depends on your lifestyle. Most importantly…Yes, you also have to understand all the side effects. Read more about it. I am not a doctor. So, please spare me some medical questions. And when you do it, you make sure it’s a real doctor. Ende doktor-doktoran lang sa Divisoria. Haler, its you face teh. Don’t just let anyone insert it just because they know how to inject. It seems simple but it’s very crucial. Most important, be aware and ready of the pros and cons. And once you have it…Enjoy it. Like I do. (Shittt! Nauubosan na ako ng english, promise!) Hahaha! Yon lang ang lesson for today.

Pasabog mula sa Dyosa ng mga Vaklush!